


Only in Dreams

by Riyusama



Category: Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riyusama/pseuds/Riyusama
Summary: He has Steven in his arms again and he's happy. They're both happy. There's a smile tugging at the corner of Steven's lips and Ben loves him so much. Ben loves him so much that he would do anything for his happiness.Even if it means he can only hold him in his dreams.
Relationships: Andrew Ilnyckyj/Steven Lim, Ben Coleman/Steven Lim
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	Only in Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> New year new me bitchessss  
> not really, it's still angst tbh lmao  
> but hey! Angst with a happy ending! Yay! 
> 
> u guys know the gist, un-beta as usual lmao
> 
> The song this fic was inspired from is Kahit sa Panaginip ( Only in Dreams ) by December Avenue. I made a [translation of the song](https://riyusama.tumblr.com/post/639132342128181248/kahit-sa-panaginip-eng-translation) specifically for this fanfic. Idk if I'll ever made a video translation but who knows lmao  
> Enjoy guys!

He wakes up.

Ben looks up at the white ceiling of his bedroom, staring holes into it if he could. He doesn’t feel like getting up today—technically, Ben doesn’t feel like doing anything at all. He just wants to stay here, lay down on his bed, and maybe wait till the world would eat him up whole. It gets too tiring, so exhausting down to the bone of having to face every single day without him.

But this is what he resigned himself with, this is what Ben decided to do with his life, and he has to face the consequences of his actions.

Against his will, Ben sits up and looks at his bedroom. He looks beside him, touching the empty space of his bed.

He remembers a time when that space was occupied and warm with the body of someone he loves.

He closes his eyes, willing the good memories that hurt him to go away.

He gets up, takes a shower, eats breakfast, and goes to work.

It’s like clockwork now.

His life is just one big routine now of trying to get through a day without Steven.

_‘ “Are you really leaving?” Steven asks him, his bottom lip trembling and his eyes trying hard as they can not to spill the tears ready to escape._

_“I can’t be here anymore,” Ben tells him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.”_

_“You don’t mean that,” Steven says, and finally, he cries, rivulets coming down onto his cheeks. “But, I guess there’s nothing I can do. I can’t do this anymore though.”_

_“It’ll get better, I promise.” He tells Steven and he sees the look in the silveret’s eyes, trying so hard to believe in Ben._

_“Okay,” Steven says. “I’ll wait for you.”_

Arriving at his office, Ben sits at his desk and checks his emails. That is until a notification from his phone catches his attention. He checks it and his chest feels constricted at the sight of it. Of course, he hasn’t unsubscribed to Worth It, he still gets regular updates to their new episodes. He doesn’t want to be that bitter ex.

He just wants to support Steven and watch his videos, even if it hurts him in the long run.

He decided to watch it, his day was already pretty shitty, to begin with anyway, maybe seeing Steven’s smile, even if it’s just on-screen will make him feel a bit better.

The video starts and there’s still that fondness he feels with looking at Steven, he looks as amazing as the day he left. Still the most cherished person for Ben.

But he also notices the smiles Andrew gives him, the lingering gazes that the cameras have captured for years.

Ben knows he’s not the only one who loves.

And maybe, those smiles that Steven gives back to Andrew are genuine. 

Maybe they truly are in love and Ben is just this lingering heart-broken fool clinging onto the past.

_‘ The sound of the door closing woke Ben up from his sleep. He looks up to his bedside clock and sees that it’s two o’clock in the morning. He checks beside him and sees that Steven is not sleeping next to him. He doesn’t know why, but there’s a sinking feeling of his heart falling to the bottom of the pits when he doesn’t find his boyfriend beside him._

_Ben immediately gets up and looks for the silveret, he opens the lights and notices something weird. The closet is slightly askew, the door open and when he checks it, there are clothes missing._

_Steven’s clothes specifically._

_That horrible feeling in his gut gets worse._

_Ben goes out of the bedroom, checks the living room and he sees there a note._

_‘I’m sorry, I can’t wait anymore.’ Are the words written in Steven’s handwriting._

_He should’ve known that this would happen._

_Maybe it was better that they left it off like this._

_Prolonging the pain would’ve been worse. ’_

He first hears the news of Steven and Andrew getting together after Ben has left the company for over six months. He had indirectly heard the news from their mutual friend Jared, congratulating Steven and Andrew on getting together on their private Instagram accounts that weren’t known by the public.

There’s a picture of the duo, all happy smiles, and lingering gazes and Ben’s heart clenches at the sight of it. He has to look away and try to erase the memory of seeing those pictures.

It’s not his place anymore to care about who Steven shares his tender moments.

It stopped being his place when he broke Steven’s heart and Steven his.

**& &&&**

It wasn’t Ben’s intention to snoop on the ex-boyfriend. They both lived in L.A., both still live in the same apartments, and they both still continued to visit the same establishments they were used to. They just tried to avoid each other as much as possible since it got very awkward very fast.

He was out with friends, some from the old Buzzfeed company and others news from his current job. They were going out for drinks and dinner when he and Steven accidentally saw each other at the restaurant.

Initially, Ben was shocked, so was Steven.

But he immediately wanted to shift back to his old protective boyfriend nature when he saw the silveret. Steven was nursing a drink (bad idea, Ben thinks) and his face is flushed, either the silveret had been drinking a lot or he had cried just earlier today. Ben is willing to bet it was the latter.

“You know the guy?” One of his friends asks.

“Uh, yeah,” Ben replies back, “Hey, I’ll catch up with you guys later. You go on ahead.”

His friends tell him that they’ll order without him and Ben waves at them to go ahead. When he looks back, he can see Steven trying to shy away from him, seemingly embarrassed at being caught drinking alone in his misery.

Ben decides to tentatively take a seat next to Steven, cautious, just in case the silveret didn’t want his company.

“Are you okay?” Ben inquires softly.

There’s a mirthless chortle that escapes Steven as he covers his eyes with his hand. “Ugh, this is embarrassing.”

Ben shrugs, “I don’t mind.” He gets the attention of one of the bartenders and asks for a drink before directing his attention back to Steven. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” Steven replies back, eyes downcast as he focuses on nursing his drink. His face is very ruddy, and now that Ben can see more clearly, he can see evidences of tear streaks on his cheeks.

Ben receives his drink and they both stay silent. Ben is starting to think that maybe this was a bad idea.

He sighs. “I can go if you don’t want me here.” He looks over to the silveret, but Steven is still silent.

Ben moves, but all of a sudden Steven speaks up “Please keep me company,” He requests in that small voice of his, sounding as though he was breaking.

The raven looks over to Steven, taking in his crushed demeanor and Ben doesn’t have the heart to reject him. He sits back down on his chair and tries again. “Problem at the office?”

Another chuckle, it seems that Ben hit on the right topic. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Ben nods and takes a sip of his drink. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll bounce back to it. You’re Steven Lim, the world extraordinaire and all-around amazing guy.” He reminds him softly with a smile.

Steven looks at him, a smile that Ben knows he had just said something that made the silveret feel better. Ben knows every smile Steven gives him like the back of his hand, he cherishes each and every one of them.

“Thanks,” Steven tells him before finishing his drink and asking for another alcoholic one.

“Are you sure you should be drinking?” Ben asks him.

“Not really,” Steven answers honestly as he gets a new drink and immediately downs it. “I just need to feel better,” He continues before resting his head down on the table, seemingly looking as though he’s ready to fall asleep.

“Hey, hey,” Ben ushers gently as he shakes Steven. “I think you’ve had enough.”

Steven whimpers and he sounds like he’s about to start crying again. “Andrew’s mad at me,” Steven confesses and it takes everything in Ben’s system to hold himself back. This is about Steven, not about him.

“Yeah?” He inquires as he supports the silveret so as he won’t fall. “Why is that?”

“I told him I want to leave the company and he got mad at me,” Steven mumbles out and Ben has to lean in close so he could hear the other better. “He got mad at Ryan and Shane too.”

“Why at Ryan and Shane?” Ben pushes on, curious about this stupid quarrel that he knows he shouldn’t even try and involve himself in. But, he’s weak and it’s been so long since he’s last seen Steven.

Ben is willing to take any kind of time with Steven, even if it hurts him in the long run now.

“Because,” Steven slurs out as he looks up at Ben. “I told him that me and the ghouls want to make a company together. I offered it to him too, but Andrew got mad.” Steven explains and looks at Ben as though he’s searching for something within the raven’s eyes. “I don’t understand why he’s so mad at me, shouldn’t he be happy that I want to do my own thing?”

Steven is so close to him, their faces barely an inch apart and Ben has to calm down and reminds himself that he no longer has the right that is this close and _almost_ affectionate to Steven.

“Yeah, he should be.” Ben agrees as he rubs at Steven’s back reassuringly. “But I also think you’re drunk. You should try to head home.” Ben moves away and asks the bartender what Steven’s tab is, he doesn’t mind paying and taking care of the silveret. They may have left on bitter terms, but Ben isn’t an asshole.

Maybe, in the end, he’s still so helplessly in love with someone he foolishly let go of.

“Let’s get you home okay?” Ben tells Steven who’s squirming away.

“But, I wanna keep drinking,” The silveret whines.

“Yeah, but you’re—”

“Steven!” A familiar voice catches both Steven and Ben’s attention. They look behind them and see Andrew, looking furious and stomping his way to them. “What are you doing here? I tried calling you,” There’s a sudden calm tone to his voice when he approaches the silveret and Andrew immediately slaps Ben’s hands away from the silveret.

He feels offended, but Andrew is the boyfriend here.

“You did?” Steven slurs as he looks up at Andrew, narrowing his eyes at the blond. Steven checks his phone and sees the amount of unanswered calls. “Oh, you did,”

Andrew sighs, immediately taking Steven into his arms as he helps the other stand. “Let’s get you back to your apartment.”

“But, I’m drinking with Ben!” Steven complains and he looks to Ben who’s suddenly looking at him shocked.

He does wish to spend more time with Steven, but he definitely does not want to get between him and Andrew.

“I came here with friends, I was just worried because he was starting to look wasted,” Ben explains when Andrew gives him an intense glare.

“Thanks,” Andrew quips immediately before looking over to Steven. “Come on, don’t sleep on me. We’ll take an Uber.”

Ben doesn’t know why, but there’s a pained look on Steven’s face when he starts to walk away from Ben and the raven is left wanting to catch up to them.

He wishes he could have had more time to talk to Steven.

**& &&&**

They slowly start getting to talking again. It was mostly for business purposes and it wasn’t exactly Steven who had reached out to Ben. First, it was Jared, then Ryan and Shane, until it eventually came to the time where Steven was the one who had to talk to him.

Despite the current falling out with Andrew about the company, Steven still pushed on with it and his blond boyfriend had to reluctantly support Steven on it.

Did Ben feel like Andrew was being a jerk about it? Definitely.

But was Ben in any position to comment? No.

“I just think he’s afraid of me going off on my own or something,” Steven chatters away as they both agreed to meet up with help on Watcher. Ben isn’t really going to join the company, he just likes helping Steven out.

He just can’t resist any opportunity to be with the other.

Steven’s hair is blue now and he looks just as beautiful as before.

“It’s normal to be a bit possessive in every relationship I guess,” Ben admits. “But, it’s another thing if you don’t want the other person to be doing their own thing. Being possessive is cute until it gets too much.”

Steven sighs “Sorry, I just keep on ranting to you when we should be working.”

“I don’t mind,” Ben tells him and Steven looks up at him. “You know you can always tell me everything.”

**& &&&**

_‘ Steven is pressed against his body, his long lithe arms pulling Ben close as he nuzzles his face against the raven’s chest. There’s a giggle that erupts from the azuret’s lips and Ben can’t help but be fond._

_“There’s something I need to tell you,” Steven says and Ben smiles, nuzzling against his hair._

_“What is it?”_

_“I have to leave,” Steven says and all of a sudden, Ben is not at his bed. He’s standing in the hallway of his apartment, looking straight at the door. Steven has his hand on the doorknob, looking at the raven with a disappointed look etched upon his features. “I’m sorry Ben.”_

_“Wait, Steven no—” ’_

Ben opens his eyes and wakes up from the dream.

He’s panting hard and he feels as though he could just cry.

Maybe meeting up with Steven the past few months had been a horrible mistake on his part. Years after their break-up and Ben still hadn’t moved on from him.

He sobs, an arm covering his eyes as if he couldn’t bear for the world to see him in this state. 

He just keeps on hurting himself.

**& &&&**

Steven and the Ghoul boys have finally launched their company Watcher. Ben is happy to have been able to give a helping hand with some of their preps. He may not be able to be with Steven in the long run of keeping up with the company, but Ben will sure as hell always try to give some time to make sure Steven is happy.

He’d do anything to make Steven happy.

He gets an invite to a small gathering of friends and co-workers for the launch of Watcher. It’s quaint, just a few friends getting together to celebrate.

Ben doesn’t fail to notice that Andrew is not with Steven.

He comes to Steven’s side, knowing that there’s nothing wrong for once in striking up a conversation with a friend… Well, friend and ex-boyfriend, but who’s going to stop him?

“Having fun?” Ben inquires.

Steven smiles up at him, there’s something underlying in that smile that Ben couldn’t pinpoint exactly. But all he knows is that it’s not just happiness in there, there’s an underlying sadness in it that he can’t quite name. “Yeah, I’m excited.”

The way Steven says it sounds genuine, Ben decides that maybe he shouldn’t open pandora’s box tonight.

“It can only go up from here now,” Ben comments as he takes a sip of his drink. He does believe it so, he knows that Steven and his friends are hard workers. They’re all talented and have the guts and brains to make their company a success. Ben believes in Steven.

“Thanks, I wish everybody thought like you, Ben,” His voice is soft, almost like a whisper as though Steven didn’t really want those words to be said out into the universe.

“Hey,” He puts a comforting hand behind the azuret, “He’ll come around, don’t worry.” Ben doesn’t even have to mention a name to know who they’re talking about.

Steven looks up at him again, a mirthless smile and Ben knows that Steven is much too sad to admit it.

“Yeah,” He replies back, and Ben isn’t so sure who he’s trying to convince. Ben or himself. “Yeah,”

**& &&&**

He daydreams.

It’s the closest thing he can have to be with Steven nowadays.

He can see him smile, he can see Steven eating, the way he laughs, and the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs. His soft colourful hair that changes to what hue Steven wants it to be, sometimes they feel a bit dry, but Ben loves them anyways.

Ben loves everything about Steven.

He’s reminded of days where they would go out to explore different places together, sometimes they’d just go out for the fun of it, but the most that Ben loved was when they were at home. Steven would be curled up at his side, breathing softly and laying his hand on Ben’s chest, looking all beautiful and gentle, warming his heart.

But now that warmth only hurts him. He’s jealous of the man who used to have the love of his life in his arms, who didn’t hold on tighter to what he already had.

Maybe he can have Steven in his arms again, but now only in dreams.

**& &&&**

There are tears in his eyes as he knocks on Ben’s door in the middle of the night. They were talking on their phones just a couple of minutes ago, Steven complaining about something so mundane, small problems about editing, or ideas he wants to think of.

But Ben knows from his voice that there was something else bothering him.

He can hear Steven walking outside when they were on call and when Ben had a gut feeling of something being horrible wrong, he just said: _“I’ll come to you, tell me where you are right now.”_

He remembers saying that and immediately going over to his bedroom to grab a jacket and pants to go out. And before Ben could have even said more, Steven drops the call on him. The raven quickly redials and redials the azuret’s number, over and over again, waiting for Steven to pick up.

What he doesn’t expect is to have someone knock on his door and find Steven crying.

Ben doesn’t waste any time, he quickly envelopes the azuret in a hug. “Don’t scare me like that,” He whispers softly, pleading.

Steven only buries his face to Ben’s neck as he cries.

Ben doesn’t mind.

He holds the man he loves as he cries on his shoulder. 

Ben would do anything for Steven.

**& &&&**

They broke up.

The news catches Ben by surprise. He admits that he wasn’t all _that_ surprised about Steven and Andrew breaking up. In all honesty, whenever Ben looks at Steven, the azuret does not look happy. Maybe in the first few months, it was happy, but who was Ben to judge anyway? It was almost a year before he and Steven saw each other again after their own break-up.

How was Ben to truly know if Steven really was happy with Andrew?

But even if Steven was happy, Ben thinks he got hurt more often.

He tries not to be too happy with the news though, he doesn’t want to be that asshole ex.

Yet, Ben wouldn’t hide the fact that he feels relieved that Steven broke off from what seemed to be a strained relationship.

Much like their own from before.

**& &&&**

Movie night.

They’re slowly reverting back to being good friends and Ben is glad that Steven had easily bounced back to his energetic self. It was awful to see him the past couple of months, dark bags under his eyes, a fatigued look on him, and he seemed to have become like a milquetoast due to the failed relationship.

Steven had ended the relationship apparently. Much like he did with him and Ben. 

_‘Andrew was too controlling.’_ as per Steven’s words before.

Their moments of sweetness and love had easily turned sour into fights and arguments. Ben would say it was quite reminiscent of their own, but whenever they’d fight they’d usually patch it up quickly. Ben hated it when he and Steven were to go to bed mad at each other.

“What movie do you want to watch?” Ben asks him, looking over to Steven who was currently cuddled up at his side.

“There’s this new K-drama I’ve been meaning to watch for a while,” Steven admits as he looks up at Ben beaming, “Is it cool if we watch that one?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind.” He wraps an arm around the azuret, pulling Steven closer and he could almost hear Steven let out a contented sigh. He hands the remote to the other so that Steven can pick out the series for him instead.

Once the series has been chosen, Steven wraps an arm around Ben’s chest and settles his head on top of him, resting. “I missed this.” He admits.

“Me too,” Ben confesses and he doesn’t know what came over him, but he couldn’t stop himself. He leans down, laying a gentle kiss on the crown of his head.

“I used to dream of this,” Steven tells in a soft murmur.

A fond smile tugs at the corner of Ben’s lips, “Maybe it won’t be only in dreams anymore.”


End file.
